Realization
by regalfangirl
Summary: After Emma hurts Regina by reuniting Robin Hood and Marian, both Emma and Regina find themselves confused about their feelings for one another. Why is Emma devastated? Why is Regina heartbroken? And why do both women feel like their despairing feelings have more meaning to them? SwanQueen. Set after 3x22.


**I was wondering where the season 3 finale could go, apart from Elsa coming to Storybrooke. My thoughts were that SwanQueen can still happen, so this is for you Swen! This is where it ended up, and I do hope you like it! Reviews are highly appreciated :)**

* * *

Emma paced back and forth, from one side of Mary Margaret's apartment to another, gnawing on her bottom lip until she could taste the faint metallic taste of blood. _Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. _What had she done? She let out another frustrated puff of air as her boots continued to work their way over the floor. What the hell had she done? She hadn't known. How could she? How could she possibly have known who that woman was? She was just trying to save her life! What were the chances? She kicked at the floor and groaned. What were the chances that the woman she had saved turned out to be Robin Hood's long lost wife? Mary Margaret was watching her from the couch, gently rocking baby Neal. She made sure not to disturb Emma, only watching over her with the concern of a mother making sure she didn't jump out of a window. She hadn't seen Emma this frustrated since Neal died. What was going on in her daughter's mind? Just as she had done so many times before, she felt the dread of not knowing her daughter like she was supposed to, like only a mother could. She couldn't bring her despairing daughter any comfort. She didn't know how to do so. Even though their relationship had improved, she still felt like Emma was holding back just a little. David sat beside her, one hand on her knee squeezing it with concern.

Emma threw up her hands and twirled on the spot to lock gazes with her mother.

"What the hell am I supposed to do?" she cried out, clenching her hands into fists and trying to control her frustration. She watched as her mother blinked at her, not making any effort as to answer her exaggerated question. Emma sighed heavily and turned her back against her parents once again. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. Regina was heartbroken. Emma had seen it in the eyes of the brunette, how the spark had seeped out of them as they filled with tears. She had heard it in the way her voice had cracked as she threw accusations at Emma, seen it in how her hands had trembled as she had reached for the door and stormed out of the diner. But Regina hadn't looked at her with the eyes of an Evil Queen filling with rage. The expression on her brokenhearted face had been entirely different. She hadn't looked at Emma as if she was blaming her for her lost chance of finding happiness with Robin. She had looked at Emma with the eyes of a betrayed lover. Like Emma was the one she'd lost. And it made Emma crazy, because she couldn't understand why. Was it something she'd imagined? Had she misinterpret her expression? No. Emma knew people, and she knew Regina better than she'd ever thought she would. If she was honest with herself, she was quite sure she knew Regina better than anyone else. The expression on her face had been true. But this fact didn't stop Emma's mind from clouding over do to the amount of thoughts swirling around and it made her dizzy. Nauseas, even. She felt an unfamiliar feeling creep at the back of her mind, she felt it gnaw in her gut and it made her heart pound to the point where she feared it would overstrain itself. What was this? Tears pricked her eyes and she blinked rapidly, not daring to break. She clenched her jaw and swallowed hard against the lump in her throat. Why was she feeling this way? It wasn't like she'd ever thought of Regina as anything other than Henry's adoptive mother, a woman she'd always had to endure. Or had she? Emma was beyond confused and she stamped in the ground like a displeased child, willing the puzzle that was her mind to settle and get things in order. But no matter how much she tried to deny this feeling, it wouldn't stop creeping up her spine, making her shiver.

Why did she feel so guilty? This wasn't the normal form of guilt you feel after hurting a friend or letting someone down. This was deeper, heavier, and it made Emma feel like she would burst out in uncontrollable sobs any second. She tried to steady her trembling hands but every muscle in her body vibrated, making her shudder intensely. What had she done to Regina? What could she possibly do to make things better? What did she want to do? All the questions her mind threw at her made her vision blurry and she placed her hands on the kitchen counter. As she tried to steady her breath, realization hit her. She needed to talk to Regina. It wasn't more complicated than that was it? Regina wouldn't roast her with a fireball would she? Emma felt that unpleasant feeling in her stomach again. She _needed _to talk to Regina. She turned on her heel and headed straight for the door. When her parents rose from the couch to approach her she held out a hand signaling them to stop.

"Don't. I'm doing this on my own," she said in a strained voice and then she was out of the door.

* * *

Regina was glaring at herself in the hallway mirror, hands on either side of the framed glass, cursing inwardly at her tearstained cheeks. She sniffled and her shoulders rose in yet another reluctant sob. No matter how much she wanted to, she couldn't stop the tears from falling down her cheeks or the sobs from escaping her mouth in croaked whimpers. She watched as a tear escaped the corner of her eye and trailed down the form of her nose, lingering at her lips before continuing its wet trail down her throat. The wetness of her tears cooled her burning skin and she sighed heavily. How could Emma do this to her? How could she betray her like this? How could she cause her so much pain? Regina dug her manicured nails into the wall, feeling herself tremble as she cried out in agony. Her heart was aching, and she could feel it in every fiber of her body.

She clutched one hand at her chest, willing the pain to stop, but she could feel how her heart was breaking inside her chest. All it would take was for her to rip it out and she would feel nothing. Nothing at all. All the pain that lay as heavy weight on her shoulders would disappear. But for some reason she couldn't bring herself to do it. Even though she felt the pain like fire burning her from the inside, she wanted to revel in the feeling. Not because she wanted to hurt, but because she wanted to feel. She'd been without her heart for far too long to let it go just like that. She wanted it to tell her how she was supposed to feel. But in this moment, it wasn't telling her what she had thought it would. She did feel the heartache, the pain of loss, but it was directed to a certain blonde savior and it made her perplexed. She frowned as the feeling really hit her. She wasn't mourning over Robin. She was mourning over Emma. But why? She blinked at herself in the mirror, trying to read her own expression as though her heart might be lying to her. Why was her heart aching because of Emma? She'd seen the guilt in Emma's eyes; how it had made her face contort in an expression she didn't think she'd ever seen on the blonde's face before. And as Regina had delivered her final blow, she'd seen how the air had been sucked out of Emma's lungs as she'd made an almost inaudible sound of utter hurt. Why did it make Regina feel like she was falling apart?

She wiped at her eyes, trying not to ruin her makeup, but she already had thin, black stripes staining her cheeks. She still had one hand clutched to her chest and she could feel her heart beating rapidly, how it pounded against her ribcage and made her fingers vibrate. Whenever Emma crossed her mind it seemed to increase its pace, even though Regina was positive it wasn't possible for it to beat any faster, any harder. Her mind was overflowing with questions that she didn't know how to answer. She didn't know if she wanted an answer. She felt more betrayed by Emma than she'd ever felt before. Or maybe it was an entirely different feeling of betrayal than the one she'd experienced many times. With Snow White, for one. Her lip curled a bit at the thought of the pixie haired woman. This feeling was indeed different. She wasn't mad at Emma. The thought of killing her, poisoning her or cursing her hadn't even crossed her mind. Regina was hurt, devastated. And all she wanted to do was curl into a ball in a corner and cry until her eyes didn't contain even one single tear. She shook her head at the disparaging image and turned to head for the bathroom so she could clean up the mess that was herself. But when her stiletto met the bottom step of the staircase there was an insisting knock on the door. The sudden sound made her jump and she froze. The persistent knocking continued when she didn't open after just the split of a second. She took a deep breath and moved towards the door with caution. Who could it be? Robin was obviously too preoccupied to care about her and she couldn't think of anyone else who would turn up at her door.

She held her breath and cracked open the door. Every muscle in her body stiffened and her heart fluttered in her chest as she caught the eyes of the person standing on her porch in the darkness. Emerald eyes looked intensely into Regina's own as she continued to stare. She tried to find her voice to greet the blonde but her mouth was dry and her breath caught unpleasantly in her throat. It felt like minutes went by as they simply continued to stare at each other. Regina then swallowed hard and closed her eyes for a brief second before she talked.

"Emma."

Emma didn't answer but she took a step forward and it made Regina's body stiffen once again, her eyes widening slightly. Emma then gestured with her hand towards the door and gave Regina a questioning look.

"Oh right, come in," Regina said and opened the door to let the blonde in.

Emma stepped inside and stopped in the hallway, her back turned against Regina. Her heart was pounding to the point of pain and her whole body was trembling while she tried to stay calm. However she managed to put on this composed attitude, she had no idea. _Breath, Swan. Just breath. She won't bite. Well at least I hope she won't. _Emma turned to face Regina who was standing with her back against the door, fingers splayed out on each side as if to steady was starring at Emma with wide and questioning eyes. Emma felt her heart skip a beat as she locked eyes with the brunette.

"We need to talk," Emma said in a hoarse voice that made her clear her throat before giving Regina a tight smile. She noticed how Regina's breathing stopped abruptly before the brunette nodded the tiniest of nods. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying, and her cheeks covered in black stripes. It made Emma's heart ache knowing that she was the cause of it. She felt her eyes fill with tears and she looked down at the floor and shook her head, trying to clear it.

"About what?" Regina's voice reached her as a shaking whisper and Emma's head snapped up. The brunette was clearly holding back tears, her bottom lip trembling. Emma felt her throat tightening. This was it. This was the only chance she'd get. Now all she had to do was not screw it up.

"Regina, I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to explain how sorry I am. I fucked everything up just because I'm supposed to be this savior running around bringing back happy endings. But I screwed up the happy ending of the person who might have needed it the most: yours. And I feel like shit because of it."

"But standing there, listening to you, practically watching your heart break… it made me so confused. I don't know what it is I'm feeling but damn it is it unpleasant. I can't stop thinking about the way you looked at me. How _did _you look at me? I don't know what to think, Regina. My mind is a mess and I can't shake the feeling of wanting to cry. I've screwed over a lot of people in my life, but doing this to you – it feels like my heart is going to break, and I'm not the one who just lost her happy ending! Please, Regina, talk to me, say something."

Emma's face was wet as tears continued to stream down her pale skin, her control long gone. She didn't care anymore. She looked into Regina's deep, brown eyes and thought she saw something cross her features, but whatever it was, it was gone in an instant.

"I…" Regina tried to say, but her mind betrayed her, refusing to cooperate. She gaped at the crying blonde standing before her, her own tears now running in thick streams once again. _Emma. Oh, poor Emma, please stop crying. Please Emma, I'm not worth it. _She fought to form sentences and speak them out loud, but her thoughts whirled around and she couldn't comprehend what was going on. What was Emma saying? A little flicker of hope formed in her chest and she questioned why. She inhaled deeply, feeling air filling her lungs and clearing her head just enough to talk.

"I don't know." Regina looked at the blurry image of Emma through her tears.

"You don't know? That's all you have to say?" Emma's voice rose a little. She was clearly frustrated, Regina just wasn't sure why.

"What do you expect me to say, Emma? I can't possibly know what is going on inside that head of yours."

"Would you cut it with the bitch crap, Regina! You're a sobbing mess, I don't give a damn about that old attitude, I know you're not okay."

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." Regina's voice was forced, and it sounded much more calm and confident than she felt.

"Damn it, Regina!" Emma threw up her hands and stepped towards her. Regina pressed herself against the door, surprised by the blonde's sudden move. Emma stopped a little ways in front of her.

"Don't tell me you don't feel something to! Like, I don't know what, but something. I saw it in your eyes. You know what I'm talking about. Don't try and deny it. I know you, Regina."

Regina's jaw tightened and she tried to hold back the never-ending stream of tears that refused to stop dripping down her face. She bit her bottom lip to stop it from trembling.

"Emma, I… I don't know. I can feel something. A lot. I feel something so strongly that it's making everything inside me ache. But I don't know what it is. I don't understand it. I just know that… I'm not sorry about the fact that I lost Robin. I'm sorry because it was _you_ who made it happen. It was _you _who hurt me. But I'm not mad. Not even the slightest. You hurt me. But not by taking away my happy ending. I don't think he even was my happy ending. If he was, then why am I crying because of you and not him?" Regina's voice was shaking now and it was thick with everything her tears represented.

Emma was starring at Regina intently, her eyes burning with all her unasked questions and missing answers. She clenched her hands into fists by her side and shook her head.

"What is going on…" she whispered and closed her eyes.

"I don't know," Regina answered weakly.

"Stop saying that!" Emma cried out. She kicked at the floor and her eyes locked with Regina's with such intensity that Regina felt herself shrink a little.

"Christ, Regina, I don't know either, okay? This is bullshit. Why can't we just… I mean we should know…" Emma's voice was a desperate cry and her body shook dangerously. Regina just watched her, every one of her senses intensified. Emma suddenly took in a deep breath.

"To hell with this!"

In one stride Emma moved into Regina's personal space and smashed her lips against Regina's. Emma's tongue demanded passage and Regina parted her lips to meet her in the heated kiss. Their teeth knocked together as they searched each other's mouths and their breathing hitched. Regina grabbed at Emma's jacket, pulling her closer as the blonde ran her hands through brown locks before cupping Regina's face on each side. She ran her hands down Regina' neck, traced her collarbone, the curve of her breasts, before moving her arms around her hips and wrapping the brunette in a tight embrace. Regina laced her right hand into blonde curls while her left travelled under Emma's arm and up to push at the blonde's upper back. They didn't seem to be able to get close enough, pulling and pushing to fill the void that threatened to swallow them if they were to let go.

In the moment of lips against lips, body against body, it seemed like every piece of the puzzle finally linked together in unison. Every unanswered question was answered in the taste of the other's lips, every untold feeling was spoken in the sound of the other's quiet moan. What had once been a frustrated cause of confusion was now the one thing that made sense, the one thing that felt right. As Emma placed one last touch of her lips against her own, Regina felt every piece of her heart fall back into place. She felt a liberating feeling run through her body like blood in her veins, and it made her feel something she'd long given up the chance to ever feel again. As the blonde pulled back just an inch to look into Regina's eyes, they shared a smile that spoke more than a hundred words. This was it. This was their happy ending.


End file.
